Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
