oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
