.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
