And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
