what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
