i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
