I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
