I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
