i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
