Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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