He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
