I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
