I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
