god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
