Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
