She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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