I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
