I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
