So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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