he wants to bone in the snuggie
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
