i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
