he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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