This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
