high people should be assigned attendants
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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