this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
