My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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