"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
