Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
