i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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