My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
