this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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