trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
