I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
