duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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