I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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