just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
did i just pee glitter
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize