you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
