dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
