Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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