Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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