Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
