i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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