I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
