i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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