Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
