Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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