9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
