I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
