I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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