please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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