my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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