All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
