Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just tell him i said nine months
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
