Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
