oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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