I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
