Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
