He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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