He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
