Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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