my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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