The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want her autograph on my taint
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
