so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
